That the ELECTED might never form to themselves an interest
    separate from the ELECTORS, prudence will point out the
    propriety of having elections often.

    — Thomas Paine, Common Sense, 1776
Jimmy Kimmel got his start years ago on The Man Show. In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.

- President Barack Obama

Also, too…

"Even Sarah Palin is getting back into the game, guest hosting on The Today Show — which reminds me of an old saying:  What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?  A pit bull is delicious… a little soy sauce.”

"Take Mitt Romney — he and I actually have a lot in common.  We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show, to a alarmingly insulting extent, the American people agree. We also both have degrees from Harvard; I have one, he has two.  What a snob."

"I guess Governor Romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see The Hunger Games… a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing.  I’m sure this was a really good change of pace for him.”

Full Transcript of President’s Stand-Up Routine at White House Correspondents Dinner

Notes

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Schadenfreude
(google it)